It’s 10pm. He is in his boxers and a t-shirt, flipping through his phone, lying on the bed.
She walks into the bedroom, wearing a skimpy satin and lace nightie, holding a copy of Cosmopolitan. She’s giggling.
‘Honey, I need to ask you something.’
‘Will this question require a lengthy debate of any kind? I intend to sleep early tonight.’
‘Ah, what’s that supposed to mean? Like I talk too much, abi?’
‘No o. Talk too much, you ke? I just tend to have palpitations once you say we need to talk. Okay, what is it?’
‘I am going to ask anyway. What is my bra size?
‘Bra size? Of which breast?
‘Huh? What do you mean of which breast? Do I have another pair apart from the ones I’m currently carrying on my chest?’
‘Oh, no o. I just wanted to be sure of which size you were talking about. You know, whether it is the size right now or before before…’
‘What do you mean by that? Are you saying I am fat now and my boobs are all over the place, baby is that what you’re saying to me?!’
‘God in heaven! When did I say anything like that? We have been together for 5 years and naturally changes will have occurred now.’
‘Oh, so my breasts are no longer firm, abi? You are already talking about their dilapidation even before I breastfeed your children?’
‘Who said anything about dilapidation now? E gba mi. I only asked an innocent question and now everything has been turned to sovereign national conference. O ga o.’
‘Say what ever you like, you are going to answer my question this night: WHAT IS MY BRA SIZE?’
‘K9′
‘What?!’
‘K9. Your bra size is K9. Can I sleep now?’
‘Ewu chi’m! Where did you hear that women have bra sizes that start with K?’
‘Don’t they?’
‘Na wa o. So what they say in this magazine is true. Men will no longer care about their wives vital statistics after the honeymoon phase of marriage. And this marriage is just 3 years old o.’
‘Vital statistics? Are we talking of bra sizes here or blood pressure and body temperature?’
‘Of course such things like bra size can’t be important to you. Go on and be dismissive about it. I am not surprised. I am not surprised at all. It is even written in the article: Men are insensitive to women’s core desires in long term partnerships. And here I was thinking my husband was different.’
‘May God punish the stupid people who write all these stupid articles in these useless magazines you people read! How are they qualified to know what a man is sensitive to or not? Useless people! If they know so much they should tell us how men are able to buy bras for their wives without bothering about bra size. Nonsense in brackets!’
‘Oh, that’s true; you bought me a couple of bras one time like that. How did you do it without knowing my size because they fitted perfectly.’
‘See you? That’s what I say all the time; you do not recognise that I’m a genius. You are here talking about bra size I do not need when buying you bras. Shio.’
‘You make it sound like you do it all the time. It was just that one time and it was a long time ago, during the honeymoon phase of this marriage. But you still haven’t told me how you did it.’
‘I used my hands and the shop assistant.’
‘You did what?’
‘I used my hands to show the shop assistant what your boobs look like and she got me the bras in the appropriate size and as you have testified, they fitted perfectly. Praise the lord.’
‘You discussed my breasts with a shop assistant?!’
‘What’s wrong with that? Isn’t she a woman and doesn’t she have a pair too? In fact, thinking of it now, I think her boobs looked just like yours.’
‘Chai, I have suffered in this my life time.’
‘Suffer? Come here jor’
‘Leave me! Christopher, leave me alone! Leave me jor. Oooo leave me…leave…me….me…’
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